if i could
bring myself to say it
id tell you
i get a kick out of your outfits
if i could
bring myself to do it
id touch your hand
when we talk
if i could
bring myself to
form the words
id tell you
how wonderful you smell
id rub your shoulders
id let you catch me looking
if i could
id ...
but i cant
yet
Tuesday, August 9, 2011
Monday, August 1, 2011
painful truths
1 i'm 319 pounds and i don't remember that i am until i look in the mirror. everyday it's a brand new slap in the face
2 i've had sex once in the past six months; prior to that it was nearly a year
3 i've begun to seriously consider a divorce
4 i need therapy
5 my son is stressed out
6 i'm in lust and i want to act on it
2 i've had sex once in the past six months; prior to that it was nearly a year
3 i've begun to seriously consider a divorce
4 i need therapy
5 my son is stressed out
6 i'm in lust and i want to act on it
Thursday, July 28, 2011
i know it's over
Oh Mother, I can feel the soil falling over my head,
And as I climb into an empty bed,
Oh well, enough said,
I know it's over still I cling,
I don't know where else I can go,
Over.
Oh Mother, I can feel the soil falling over my head,
See the sea wants to take me,
The knife wants to slit me,
Do you think you can help me,
Sad veiled bride please be happy,
Handsome groom give her room,
Loud loutish lover treat her kindly,
Though she needs you more than she loves you,
I know it's over - still I cling,
I don't know where else I can go - over;
Over.
I know it's over and it never really began,
But in my heart it was so real,
And you even spoke to me and said,
"If you're so funny, then why are you on your own tonight?"
"And if you're so clever then why are you on your own tonight?"
"And if you're so very entertaining then why are you on your own tonight?"
"And if you're so very good looking, why do you sleep alone tonight?"
I know,Because tonight is just like any other night,
That's why you're on your own tonight,
With your triumphs and your charms,
while they're in each other's arms,
It's so easy to laugh it's so easy to hate,
it takes strength to be gentle and kind,
over and over and over.
It's so easy to laugh it's so easy to hate,
It takes guts to be gentle and kind,
Over, over.
Love is natural and real,
But not for you my love,
Not tonight my love.
Love is natural and real,
But not for such as you and I my love,
Oh Mother, I can feel the soil falling over my head,
Oh Mother, I can feel the soil falling over my head,
Ohhh-ohh,
Oh Mother, I can feel the soil falling over my head.
And as I climb into an empty bed,
Oh well, enough said,
I know it's over still I cling,
I don't know where else I can go,
Over.
Oh Mother, I can feel the soil falling over my head,
See the sea wants to take me,
The knife wants to slit me,
Do you think you can help me,
Sad veiled bride please be happy,
Handsome groom give her room,
Loud loutish lover treat her kindly,
Though she needs you more than she loves you,
I know it's over - still I cling,
I don't know where else I can go - over;
Over.
I know it's over and it never really began,
But in my heart it was so real,
And you even spoke to me and said,
"If you're so funny, then why are you on your own tonight?"
"And if you're so clever then why are you on your own tonight?"
"And if you're so very entertaining then why are you on your own tonight?"
"And if you're so very good looking, why do you sleep alone tonight?"
I know,Because tonight is just like any other night,
That's why you're on your own tonight,
With your triumphs and your charms,
while they're in each other's arms,
It's so easy to laugh it's so easy to hate,
it takes strength to be gentle and kind,
over and over and over.
It's so easy to laugh it's so easy to hate,
It takes guts to be gentle and kind,
Over, over.
Love is natural and real,
But not for you my love,
Not tonight my love.
Love is natural and real,
But not for such as you and I my love,
Oh Mother, I can feel the soil falling over my head,
Oh Mother, I can feel the soil falling over my head,
Ohhh-ohh,
Oh Mother, I can feel the soil falling over my head.
Wednesday, July 13, 2011
Friday, June 3, 2011
111510
i found this today:
a butch with touching issues
I don't really identify as butch per se but I have short hair, wear guy's clothes, don't wear makeup, wear the strap-on etc. I've been in a relationship with my gf for two years and I still have a lot of trouble letting her touch me in bed. Partly, I think, it's about not wanting to be vulnerable, fearing intimacy, or not wanting to give up the empowerment that being a top brings; but also it's that parts of me identify with maleness on a fundamental level. You can't wear men's clothing in your daily life and not be claiming some of that identity for yourself, and the fact that I have hips and breasts and a vagina underneath those clothes sometimes feels like a terrible defect, like a flaw in my character that I just can't fix. Even if it's physically pleasurable to have my gf touch my breasts or penetrate me, it feels emotionally degrading and humiliating.
that's me .. a terrible, awful defect. and i let you marry me anyway. i'm so sorry.
a butch with touching issues
I don't really identify as butch per se but I have short hair, wear guy's clothes, don't wear makeup, wear the strap-on etc. I've been in a relationship with my gf for two years and I still have a lot of trouble letting her touch me in bed. Partly, I think, it's about not wanting to be vulnerable, fearing intimacy, or not wanting to give up the empowerment that being a top brings; but also it's that parts of me identify with maleness on a fundamental level. You can't wear men's clothing in your daily life and not be claiming some of that identity for yourself, and the fact that I have hips and breasts and a vagina underneath those clothes sometimes feels like a terrible defect, like a flaw in my character that I just can't fix. Even if it's physically pleasurable to have my gf touch my breasts or penetrate me, it feels emotionally degrading and humiliating.
that's me .. a terrible, awful defect. and i let you marry me anyway. i'm so sorry.
111110
hey,
it's another one of "these" emails. i haven't sent any of the others. this is just my way of talking things out. since i can't seem to talk to you personally, i just pretend you'll read this someday.
i've been thinking about the anger that fills every part of my body. i think about it a lot. i have have a lot of time for contemplation these days with the drive and all.
it's another one of "these" emails. i haven't sent any of the others. this is just my way of talking things out. since i can't seem to talk to you personally, i just pretend you'll read this someday.
i've been thinking about the anger that fills every part of my body. i think about it a lot. i have have a lot of time for contemplation these days with the drive and all.
they say what i want to say sometimes
just one look and i fell so hard
in love with you
i found out how good it feels
to have your love
just one look and i knew
that you were my only one
just one look
that's all it took
Just dont give up
I'm working it out
Please dont give in
I won't let you down
It messed me up
Need a second to breathe
Just keep coming around
Hey, Whataya want from me
Whataya want from me
i'd love to change the world
but i don't know what to do
so i leave it up to you ...
don't you feel like cryin
well c'mon .. cry to me
these arms of mine
they are yearning
yearning from wanting you
so far away from where you are
these miles have torn us world's apart
and i miss you
yeah, i miss you
so far away from where you are
i'm standing underneath the stars
and i wish you were here
i miss the years that were erased
i miss the way the sunshine would light up your face
i miss all the little things
i never thought that they'd mean everything to me
yeah i miss you
and i wish you were here
i feel the beating of your heart
i see the shadows of your face
just know that wherever you are
yeah, i miss you
and i wish you were here
It's been such a long time
since anybody touched me
the way that you touch me,
So if I stutter
then I feel so unsexy,
so maybe I'll just keep my mouth shut,
at least until you kiss me.
So kiss me again,
cause only you can stop the stuttering,
kiss me again and ease my suffering.
I know its so symbolic of everything,
everything thats wrong with me and you,
so tell me what I'm supposed to do.
Oh its been ages since we've been really honest,
but I can make changes if you really want this.
So kiss me again,
cause only you can stop the stuttering,
kiss me again and ease my suffering.
in love with you
i found out how good it feels
to have your love
just one look and i knew
that you were my only one
just one look
that's all it took
Just dont give up
I'm working it out
Please dont give in
I won't let you down
It messed me up
Need a second to breathe
Just keep coming around
Hey, Whataya want from me
Whataya want from me
i'd love to change the world
but i don't know what to do
so i leave it up to you ...
don't you feel like cryin
well c'mon .. cry to me
these arms of mine
they are yearning
yearning from wanting you
so far away from where you are
these miles have torn us world's apart
and i miss you
yeah, i miss you
so far away from where you are
i'm standing underneath the stars
and i wish you were here
i miss the years that were erased
i miss the way the sunshine would light up your face
i miss all the little things
i never thought that they'd mean everything to me
yeah i miss you
and i wish you were here
i feel the beating of your heart
i see the shadows of your face
just know that wherever you are
yeah, i miss you
and i wish you were here
It's been such a long time
since anybody touched me
the way that you touch me,
So if I stutter
then I feel so unsexy,
so maybe I'll just keep my mouth shut,
at least until you kiss me.
So kiss me again,
cause only you can stop the stuttering,
kiss me again and ease my suffering.
I know its so symbolic of everything,
everything thats wrong with me and you,
so tell me what I'm supposed to do.
Oh its been ages since we've been really honest,
but I can make changes if you really want this.
So kiss me again,
cause only you can stop the stuttering,
kiss me again and ease my suffering.
letter
never sent
so i've been contemplating doing this for a long time .. the email thing. i know you rarely check it anymore and so with that in mind, i've gone ahead in hopes that you won't see this for a few days.
i just can't seem to find the words anymore to talk face to face in a coherent, reasonable way that doesn't end up making me sound like the biggest fucking loser. i just know that i'm losing what little touch with "us" that i've been clinging to for the last 2 or 3 years. the anger, the resentment .. the sheer exhaustion is just fucking taking over and i'm so desperately sorry for it. i don't want to be like this. i don't want us to be like this.
so what's the problem? what are the problems, if they are plural? i don't know what your side is exactly so i'll just deal with mine, ok? the number one problem i have is my anger. i'm mad all the time now i guess. at what .. at life, i suppose. it's trite, i know. but i'm really fucking pissed off at what we've been thrown. i'm angry at whatever it is that makes you so sick all the time. i'm angry that you haven't been able to catch a break in years. i'm angry that it slops all over our lives, that when you have a headache or when you're depressed, it's like our whole family is immobilized. i've spent days on end waiting .. just sitting in a chair and doing the bare minimum, waiting for you to feel like opening your eyes. and then, a lot of times, when you do finally emerge, it's not me that gets the benefit of your presence, but someone else. i get terribly jealous and resentful when someone else gets the happy you, the "well" you, the laughing & joking you.
this summer, i finally, finally got all our shit moved and all i could think of was getting to you and ben. i drove that long-assed drive. i couldn't wait to see you guys. i missed you and i tried so very hard to let you know that .. but after that first few hours i don't know what happened. you got upset about not getting a fucking netbook and then, you made that awful comment at the baseball museum .. "here she comes to suck the fun out of everything .." jesus, that fucking stung. it still fucking stings. i guess it's the "girl" in me that has held on to the hurt.
but the way i see it, there was no time to get over it. you started in with the ever-present headache right away and i let my family drama drag me in and i figured if i couldn't make you happy, maybe i could make the boys happy or something. another dismal failure. i'm so sick of being ineffective. shit, i'm so ineffective that you think that i think you're shit. wow, with a little more effort, there's no telling what i can accomplish.
you said that today, that i think you're shit, and you know what popped in my head? it's stupid really, but i thought to myself, jeez, i wish she could see the songs i have on my ipod. i wish she could see the titles of the playlists i've made and i wish she could listen to those pieces and feel what i do. then she wouldn't believe that i think she's shit. i didn't say that. i tried to say a lot of things but maybe i should have just handed you the ipod. but then maybe i'd be acting like sean and we all know how we feel about that.
yeah.
i always tell myself that i don't want drama. that it's tiring and drama just begets more drama, etc. but i gotta say, maybe a little drama wouldn't be so bad now and then. i have tons of dramatic conversations with you in my head all the time. some of them are full of hurt and anger. most of them are plans for rekindling our relationship though. i dream of swooping in and making you feel the intense, overwhelming feelings i had when we first started out. but i no longer believe i have the power to make you tingle or make you dream about me. quite frankly, i'm not sure i ever did. i always felt like my feelings were too big for what you wanted or what you were comfortable with. hell, i wasn't even allowed to send you flowers at work or show up and ask you out for lunch .. no no no. if i couldn't do that, then why would i think you'd be up for a quickie in the parking lot. wild and crazy, i know.
our time together has been a lot of great ups and a lot of very confusing downs for me. i don't regret any of it. that statement is really true for me though. i'd never been in a relationship before where i could argue with someone about cleaning and throughout the entire argument, know that honestly, the argument isn't about cleaning at all. up until recently, i didn't really know what it WAS all about.
turns out, it's about mutual respect and feeling like you don't SEE me. i guess that's where i'm at right now. and you said it today, you can't see me and i definitely agree that i don't feel like you see me. so maybe i'm not really here.
you're over there sleeping now.
so i've been contemplating doing this for a long time .. the email thing. i know you rarely check it anymore and so with that in mind, i've gone ahead in hopes that you won't see this for a few days.
i just can't seem to find the words anymore to talk face to face in a coherent, reasonable way that doesn't end up making me sound like the biggest fucking loser. i just know that i'm losing what little touch with "us" that i've been clinging to for the last 2 or 3 years. the anger, the resentment .. the sheer exhaustion is just fucking taking over and i'm so desperately sorry for it. i don't want to be like this. i don't want us to be like this.
so what's the problem? what are the problems, if they are plural? i don't know what your side is exactly so i'll just deal with mine, ok? the number one problem i have is my anger. i'm mad all the time now i guess. at what .. at life, i suppose. it's trite, i know. but i'm really fucking pissed off at what we've been thrown. i'm angry at whatever it is that makes you so sick all the time. i'm angry that you haven't been able to catch a break in years. i'm angry that it slops all over our lives, that when you have a headache or when you're depressed, it's like our whole family is immobilized. i've spent days on end waiting .. just sitting in a chair and doing the bare minimum, waiting for you to feel like opening your eyes. and then, a lot of times, when you do finally emerge, it's not me that gets the benefit of your presence, but someone else. i get terribly jealous and resentful when someone else gets the happy you, the "well" you, the laughing & joking you.
this summer, i finally, finally got all our shit moved and all i could think of was getting to you and ben. i drove that long-assed drive. i couldn't wait to see you guys. i missed you and i tried so very hard to let you know that .. but after that first few hours i don't know what happened. you got upset about not getting a fucking netbook and then, you made that awful comment at the baseball museum .. "here she comes to suck the fun out of everything .." jesus, that fucking stung. it still fucking stings. i guess it's the "girl" in me that has held on to the hurt.
but the way i see it, there was no time to get over it. you started in with the ever-present headache right away and i let my family drama drag me in and i figured if i couldn't make you happy, maybe i could make the boys happy or something. another dismal failure. i'm so sick of being ineffective. shit, i'm so ineffective that you think that i think you're shit. wow, with a little more effort, there's no telling what i can accomplish.
you said that today, that i think you're shit, and you know what popped in my head? it's stupid really, but i thought to myself, jeez, i wish she could see the songs i have on my ipod. i wish she could see the titles of the playlists i've made and i wish she could listen to those pieces and feel what i do. then she wouldn't believe that i think she's shit. i didn't say that. i tried to say a lot of things but maybe i should have just handed you the ipod. but then maybe i'd be acting like sean and we all know how we feel about that.
yeah.
i always tell myself that i don't want drama. that it's tiring and drama just begets more drama, etc. but i gotta say, maybe a little drama wouldn't be so bad now and then. i have tons of dramatic conversations with you in my head all the time. some of them are full of hurt and anger. most of them are plans for rekindling our relationship though. i dream of swooping in and making you feel the intense, overwhelming feelings i had when we first started out. but i no longer believe i have the power to make you tingle or make you dream about me. quite frankly, i'm not sure i ever did. i always felt like my feelings were too big for what you wanted or what you were comfortable with. hell, i wasn't even allowed to send you flowers at work or show up and ask you out for lunch .. no no no. if i couldn't do that, then why would i think you'd be up for a quickie in the parking lot. wild and crazy, i know.
our time together has been a lot of great ups and a lot of very confusing downs for me. i don't regret any of it. that statement is really true for me though. i'd never been in a relationship before where i could argue with someone about cleaning and throughout the entire argument, know that honestly, the argument isn't about cleaning at all. up until recently, i didn't really know what it WAS all about.
turns out, it's about mutual respect and feeling like you don't SEE me. i guess that's where i'm at right now. and you said it today, you can't see me and i definitely agree that i don't feel like you see me. so maybe i'm not really here.
you're over there sleeping now.
Tuesday, February 23, 2010
5109
it is morning
i am 3
at least
the living room ... there
the kitchen next door
the hall leading to bathroom and bedrooms
three of those
my room has green carpet
like grass
she's at work
he is not
i'm hungry
or thirsty
standing between him
and the open refrigerator
he's in underwear
and undershirt
i'm in ... a gown?
it is morning
she's at work
he is not
turning around
what's this?
*touch*
you nasty bad little girl
bad bad girl
don't you EVER touch
me again
it is morning
she's at work
he is not
i am 3
at least
the living room ... there
the kitchen next door
the hall leading to bathroom and bedrooms
three of those
my room has green carpet
like grass
she's at work
he is not
i'm hungry
or thirsty
standing between him
and the open refrigerator
he's in underwear
and undershirt
i'm in ... a gown?
it is morning
she's at work
he is not
turning around
what's this?
*touch*
you nasty bad little girl
bad bad girl
don't you EVER touch
me again
it is morning
she's at work
he is not
in the beginning
there was a purple hairbrush with black bristles, a blue/green bedspread with tassals on the edges, the coolness of the kitchen floor against my cheek as i lay looking out the back door at a tree devoid of leaves. i don't know why i was laying on the floor. the lights weren't on in the kitchen. i could draw a picture of that tree, it's so clear. i was younger than 3, that much i know for sure.
the whispery and softly focused images of a baby's memory.
but that's all. just those 3 or 4 things.
in the beginning, indeed.
the whispery and softly focused images of a baby's memory.
but that's all. just those 3 or 4 things.
in the beginning, indeed.
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