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i found this today:

a butch with touching issues

I don't really identify as butch per se but I have short hair, wear guy's clothes, don't wear makeup, wear the strap-on etc. I've been in a relationship with my gf for two years and I still have a lot of trouble letting her touch me in bed. Partly, I think, it's about not wanting to be vulnerable, fearing intimacy, or not wanting to give up the empowerment that being a top brings; but also it's that parts of me identify with maleness on a fundamental level. You can't wear men's clothing in your daily life and not be claiming some of that identity for yourself, and the fact that I have hips and breasts and a vagina underneath those clothes sometimes feels like a terrible defect, like a flaw in my character that I just can't fix. Even if it's physically pleasurable to have my gf touch my breasts or penetrate me, it feels emotionally degrading and humiliating.

that's me .. a terrible, awful defect. and i let you marry me anyway. i'm so sorry.