letter

never sent

so i've been contemplating doing this for a long time .. the email thing. i know you rarely check it anymore and so with that in mind, i've gone ahead in hopes that you won't see this for a few days.

i just can't seem to find the words anymore to talk face to face in a coherent, reasonable way that doesn't end up making me sound like the biggest fucking loser. i just know that i'm losing what little touch with "us" that i've been clinging to for the last 2 or 3 years. the anger, the resentment .. the sheer exhaustion is just fucking taking over and i'm so desperately sorry for it. i don't want to be like this. i don't want us to be like this.

so what's the problem? what are the problems, if they are plural? i don't know what your side is exactly so i'll just deal with mine, ok? the number one problem i have is my anger. i'm mad all the time now i guess. at what .. at life, i suppose. it's trite, i know. but i'm really fucking pissed off at what we've been thrown. i'm angry at whatever it is that makes you so sick all the time. i'm angry that you haven't been able to catch a break in years. i'm angry that it slops all over our lives, that when you have a headache or when you're depressed, it's like our whole family is immobilized. i've spent days on end waiting .. just sitting in a chair and doing the bare minimum, waiting for you to feel like opening your eyes. and then, a lot of times, when you do finally emerge, it's not me that gets the benefit of your presence, but someone else. i get terribly jealous and resentful when someone else gets the happy you, the "well" you, the laughing & joking you.

this summer, i finally, finally got all our shit moved and all i could think of was getting to you and ben. i drove that long-assed drive. i couldn't wait to see you guys. i missed you and i tried so very hard to let you know that .. but after that first few hours i don't know what happened. you got upset about not getting a fucking netbook and then, you made that awful comment at the baseball museum .. "here she comes to suck the fun out of everything .." jesus, that fucking stung. it still fucking stings. i guess it's the "girl" in me that has held on to the hurt.

but the way i see it, there was no time to get over it. you started in with the ever-present headache right away and i let my family drama drag me in and i figured if i couldn't make you happy, maybe i could make the boys happy or something. another dismal failure. i'm so sick of being ineffective. shit, i'm so ineffective that you think that i think you're shit. wow, with a little more effort, there's no telling what i can accomplish.

you said that today, that i think you're shit, and you know what popped in my head? it's stupid really, but i thought to myself, jeez, i wish she could see the songs i have on my ipod. i wish she could see the titles of the playlists i've made and i wish she could listen to those pieces and feel what i do. then she wouldn't believe that i think she's shit. i didn't say that. i tried to say a lot of things but maybe i should have just handed you the ipod. but then maybe i'd be acting like sean and we all know how we feel about that.

yeah.

i always tell myself that i don't want drama. that it's tiring and drama just begets more drama, etc. but i gotta say, maybe a little drama wouldn't be so bad now and then. i have tons of dramatic conversations with you in my head all the time. some of them are full of hurt and anger. most of them are plans for rekindling our relationship though. i dream of swooping in and making you feel the intense, overwhelming feelings i had when we first started out. but i no longer believe i have the power to make you tingle or make you dream about me. quite frankly, i'm not sure i ever did. i always felt like my feelings were too big for what you wanted or what you were comfortable with. hell, i wasn't even allowed to send you flowers at work or show up and ask you out for lunch .. no no no. if i couldn't do that, then why would i think you'd be up for a quickie in the parking lot. wild and crazy, i know.

our time together has been a lot of great ups and a lot of very confusing downs for me. i don't regret any of it. that statement is really true for me though. i'd never been in a relationship before where i could argue with someone about cleaning and throughout the entire argument, know that honestly, the argument isn't about cleaning at all. up until recently, i didn't really know what it WAS all about.

turns out, it's about mutual respect and feeling like you don't SEE me. i guess that's where i'm at right now. and you said it today, you can't see me and i definitely agree that i don't feel like you see me. so maybe i'm not really here.

you're over there sleeping now.